Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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