i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
