You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
