i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
