the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
