My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
