Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
