Pappa wants mamma naked
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize