i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
