...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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