The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize