I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
