You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
