I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
