This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I met the friendliest cop last night
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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