____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
