He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
