Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
