I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I looked at my own cervix.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i will never coherently bang her
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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