You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
