I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
