So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
