Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
