nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
