So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
