do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
