her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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