During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
