I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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