yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
