The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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