I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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