i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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