My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
