if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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