She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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