We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
