Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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