I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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