Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
