Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
