low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize