And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
