just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
