I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
