this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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