It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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