i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
