it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
