So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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