I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
