everyone is single if you try hard enough
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
