I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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