dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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