Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
