so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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