I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
