My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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